The Twelve Days of Christmas for Tiger Woods

On the Twelfth Day of  Christmas the media sent to me:

Twelve lovers ‘fessing

Eleven bloggers blogging

Ten tweets a twittering

Nine irons smashing

Eight movers moving

Seven sponsors wincing

Six jokes appearing

No Wedding ring

Four turning friends

Three wretched weeks

Two child victims

And a Tiger surrounded by sleaze

So has it been worth it?

I wonder, not only about the evidence of ego over will power on the part of Tiger, but also about the self respect that all the mistresses seem to lack.  Is it just me, or are other people equally alarmed that the sheer lack of decency surrounding all the “players” in this game hints at a society that forgives the “other women” and blames it all on the man? Sex is a mutually consentual event, and these women have basically used it as a tool to become famous for fifteen minutes. Kinda sad, not so? They are so hungry for publicity and fame that the closest they can get is sleeping with it and then blabbing to the media (probably for a lovely fat payout).

That doesn’t require effort or talent or brains; just self-interest, a nice body and a pretty face. I can only think of the whole ton of ugly on the inside! Instant gratification for the ego and no thought for the innocent bystanders – the children, the wife, the parents. The stupidity and arrogance of some of the statements are just ludicrous! Take Grubb (good name for her) the cocktail waitress who is dumb enough to think she is a potential replacement for a beautiful Swedish wife. Reality Check! What makes her think that a man who can sleep around with any number of women (including her) while married, is going to be exclusively monogamous to her when the marriage fails? Because she is somehow better than everyone else? How? Her sum talents and qualifications amount to being a drinks jockey and being sexually available! Big whoop-de-doo, join the queue!

I am not being prudish here, I believe marriages fail for all kinds of reasons. What I do believe in is personal responsibility and essentially – style. If you cannot keep your vows and feel it’s okay to sleep around with a whole bunch of random people – then don’t get married and have children. If you are married and have difficulty keeping your vows, then deal with your spouse and children in a fair and grown-up way in order to minimize the pain and keep the children on an even keel. Be fair about it! Your children didn’t ask for this mess!

On the flip side of the coin, if a married man comes on to you (however famous he may be) remember that when it comes out, a whole lot of nasty is coming your way! So say “no thanks” and retain a shred of style and dignity! Even if you have the brain of a goldfish, remember that notoriously dumb dirty-dress girl, Monica Lewinsky? Where is she now?

Going nuts!

The squirrels are looking for me, they think I'm nuts!

Allergies are irritating. One of the worst aspects of having a child with food allergies is realising that the shiny immortality bubble that most kids carry around like a second skin isn’t present in the allergic child. They learn to worry about anaphylaxis and death, they have to carry around anti-histamines and ephedrine injectors, they learn to ask, and as soon as they can read, they read ingredient labels.

As a parent, you can hover and bite your nails, if that makes you happy. But it is more than likely going to send you to the nut-house.  Demanding a nut/wheat/dairy/egg/soy free environment is a road to insanity as well. In America, the K-3 school my children attended  had a partially nut-free policy. All common areas like the art class, media centre and library were totally nut-free zones. The rest of the school was okay except for the classrooms of the children with allergies. In those rooms, the kids who had peanut/nut products in their lunches could not open their lunch boxes in the classroom. All children ate at tables set out in the gym and the allergic kids had a special table apart from the rest of the school.

I know this smacks of segregation, but this issue is fraught with all kinds of emotional reactions, usually from parents: the parents who want their kids to be able to eat peanut butter vs. the parents who are terrified their child will die from the allergy. It has all the makings of an ugly scene or two.

In my opinion, the only solution is education and hard work. The separate table and nut-free zones may seem like hard work, but once the work is done, they are constant reminders to the teachers and students that there are seemingly innocuous things in this world that can be deadly to other people. It is kinetic education on a daily basis. Educate the allergic child to read labels, ask questions and if in doubt – Don’t. Educate the teachers on allergies and when to administer ephedrine. Educate the classmates about allergies and how to avoid killing their friends. Educate yourself so that you plan ahead and actually prepare food from scratch with ingredients you trust.

Part of the hard work for me is getting a nut-free policy of sorts started at the school my children attend in South Africa. Cases of severe nut allergies are increasing in South Africa, of course not in the numbers seen elsewhere, as our population is smaller and in most cases, quite poor, and as reported in the Sunday Times on October 25th this year, allergies seem to be more prevalent in the affluent.

The school advertised as a nut-free school, but they are dancing to a different tune now. There has been a change in tuck-shop management and the people who now run it are clearly woefully ignorant of food allergy issues. They stocked all kinds of peanut laden chocolate bars and when asked to cater for a school function in winter, very cleverly garnished a cauldron full of butternut soup with nuts! Bearing in mind this was a mass catering event, how long do your think the “pretty” addition on the top lasted? Of course it was the soup that my child preferred and of course the server had no idea what the ingredients were. It is only the chance passing of one of the geniuses behind the garnish idea who heard my nut questions that saved us from some very unpleasant consequences.

The furious email that was delivered to all senior management in boxes, probably did more harm than good. I wouldn’t really know, as most of them did not bother to reply and when they did it was with an answer that a politician would be proud of!

I have now made myself super popular by sending yet another round of emails after some nut tartlets were served at yet another school event. Caterers are denying all knowledge of the items, but unless I was hallucinating, they existed and emerged from the catering hatch, so someone is being economical with the truth.

Eventually in an attempt to get some sort of workable policy in place, I made an appointment with the headmaster of the Preparatory School and presented him with a written out plan that could potentially work and not step on the toes of the kids who like peanut butter. I offered my services as an allergy coordinator/implementor of plan and presenter of allergy information to all parents.

As a peace-offering, I created the mug pictured above. I had thought it out and sketched the squirrels after the first nutty email, and did the final finishing in Photoshop before the meeting. My reasoning being that you get further with a smile than you do with a frown.  Wish I had thought of this before I sent those emails. I wish I had known about Nick Morgan’s blog posts on body language so I could have gauged whether the principal was open or closed to my ideas.

The mug is now sitting on the secretary’s desk (note to Headmaster – my spies are everywhere!) which may or may not be a sign that they are receptive to change. There was a lot of humming, haa-ing, ifs, ands, and buts thrown around at the meeting. I hope they are prepared to do some work on this, if not they are going to be driven nuts by me and the squirrels might find them.

Let’s drug the world!

Give them roots and help them flourish

One of my facebook buddies just posted a Youtube video which was hilarious, but sad. Clearly this adult is not smarter than a 5th grader. It’s gratifying that the 5th grader actually got it right though!

I grew up with a mother who has a voracious appetite for reading and acquiring information. In the 70s she was national champion of the Venture quiz show and joint winner of a radio travel quiz. She starts a lot of conversations with “I wonder…”; “Did you know….”;  “I wonder what…”; .

I’m not moaning really because this intense interest in the world and the written word led us to be almost as curious as she is and to realise that to have just a fraction of the knowledge out there is to be rich. I was thrilled when my son decided that he really really couldn’t survive without a copy of “How to Avoid a Wombat’s Bum” Okay so it really helps that Mitchell Symons picks information and titles that really appeal to your average 12 year old.

This son, who has inherited his grandmother’s voracious appetite for acquiring knowledge, is not thriving at school. He fidgets and misses information, he is amazingly disorganised. His teacher asked me to have him assessed, because he was clearly bright, but as she put it “it looks like he is bursting with ideas and concepts, but he is getting so frustrated with himself because he is missing the point most of the time.”    She, thankfully, did not bring up that boring old acronym “ADD”.

We went to a highly recommended educational psychologist, for testing. It turns out that, in her opinion, the kid is not ADD, but is “the boy with two brains”. He is of superior IQ. But there is a catch! His left (logical, verbal, organised) side of the brain is above-average. His right (creative, non-verbal, conceptual) side of his brain is gifted. There is a 21 point disparity between the two. She described it as having two different people in your head speaking two different languages. It explains the disorganisation, the guitar lessons that ROCK and the continual need for nagging over the simplest tasks – he is in a completely different world!

A note to all simpering parents who say their children are “gifted” to excuse their bratty behaviour: You would run a mile if your child was really gifted…it’s no picnic! And any gifted child is quite capable of having good manners.

In addition, we have to visit a neurologist for an EEG to check that the physiological side of the brain is working normally (just in case…horror words for a parent). After 5 weeks of waiting for our appointment, it arrives, the day after International Teachers’ Day. The EEG clearly illustrates the differences in the two sides of the brain, but there are no reasons to worry physiologically. Phew we are off that hook, but not before the neurologist suggest that Ritalin could be prescribed to help the boy concentrate… This is the moment I lose all respect for the man.

Perhaps he is too used to parents who would gladly shove a whole pharmacy full of pills into their children to make them conform. Maybe he has shares in the company that makes the drug. Maybe he sees me as a cash cow – Ritalin users have to be evaluated every 6 months – at R1200 a pop, it’s a nice little earner. But I am not going to subject my son to a dumbing down pill and these possible  side effects, just because it seems like the easy answer.

We are planning Auditory Integration Training, swimming (to help the two sides of the brain coordinate physically), the ROCKING guitar lesson are great, and some study skills therapy to help him harness the creative side of the brain to get the boring old linear work expected from school out of his head and onto the page! Dietary options will be explored but drugs will not be taken.

Thank you to the teacher who does not insisted on drugged-to-the-eyeballs students. For Teachers Day, in addition to other gifts, we gave her the card pictured above. The tree represents the roots that a great foundation education provides and the leaves, the flourishing that an insightful teacher can provide. It’s cool – there is not a drop of ink on the card. The trunk is lazer engraved to show the inner part of the card stock, while the leaves are lazer cut-outs. Any colour paper can be slotted into the inside of the card, so the leaves can be any colour at all!

Talking about honouring teachers, how cute is this “we love you” mug we printed for a class of 2nd graders for their much loved teacher!